I am this tear rolling down your cheek to the rough of your chin, trailing salty kisses down your neck to nestle in the hollow; the way you linger within me long after your goodbye.
i feel L5 needs a comma after 'chin'. did you transcribe this as 'my' salty kisses initially? in that cases trailing could be replaced with 'tracking' and the earlier powerful image would be retained. L11 is a little jarring even though what is implied by 'hollow' is pretty evident (i may be nit-picking but i am left asking 'hollow' of what ?)semi-colon after 'hollow' is di rigeur. beautiful poem, segues well from thought to image to thiought and from first line to last. neatly done :)
thank you very much :). re: 'hollow" I know. It felt awkward while writing too. But I didnt know how exactly to get past without mentioning neck or throat again, which again didnt go well with the flow.
If I were to re-write it, this is what I would probably end up with:
I am this tear, roll down your cheek to the rough of your chin, trail salty kisses hollow-nestled on your neck; and so you linger within me long after your goodbyes.
Seeking the mystic rose... This blog is a commitment to myself, to improve what I can in expression. A canvas for my emotions, truths, thoughts and perceptions. Thankyou to all my readers, for their obvious enjoyment, and input. As the saying goes, Ex abundancia cordis, os loquitor - 'From the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.' Or rather, the pen writes.
19 comments:
Beautiful!
delightfully anguished. :D
winnie the poohi,
thank you :)
A,
sufficiently woebegone? :)
Try without the 'my' in the eighth line.
j,
thanks :)
wow
well written!
Love the flow. It rose and quelled like a surging wave.
Parth,
thankyou :) glad you liked it.
i feel L5 needs a comma after 'chin'. did you transcribe this as 'my' salty kisses initially? in that cases trailing could be replaced with 'tracking' and the earlier powerful image would be retained. L11 is a little jarring even though what is implied by 'hollow' is pretty evident (i may be nit-picking but i am left asking 'hollow' of what ?)semi-colon after 'hollow' is di rigeur. beautiful poem, segues well from thought to image to thiought and from first line to last. neatly done :)
thought*
TWS,
thank you very much :). re: 'hollow" I know. It felt awkward while writing too. But I didnt know how exactly to get past without mentioning neck or throat again, which again didnt go well with the flow.
If I were to re-write it, this is what I would probably end up with:
I am
this tear,
roll down your cheek
to the rough
of your chin,
trail
salty kisses
hollow-nestled
on your neck;
and so
you linger within me
long after your goodbyes.
Just lovely.
e,
this is lovely! I would say you should post it, but i know you wont.
cynthia,
thank you :)
Stumbled across your blog! Love this poem...the sudden stab of pain flowing in words...love it! :)
Just Beautiful Mystic!
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